Once you cross into the no sex zone there is NO going back. So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. This is probably not the case between a wife and husband who have lost a level of intimacy in their relationship. God as our designer and maker knows what is best for us. If the marriage has made you take your personal hygiene for granted, this lax attitude could be a total turn-off for her. The therapist totally forgot about me as my wife did. 1. Add to this many complications: conditioning from childhood, feeling you are being used for someone elses pleasure, not being attracted, not meeting your partner at the same emotional level. The sex was great but found I was working most years 2 jobs, supporting the house hold 3 kids. She will not go to any therapy. They seem just as happy as any other married couple. 35 Sweet Things To Say To Your Wife To Make Her Go Awww! that you would love to have *that* him back in your life. Would you like to see more questions and answers? I feel like Ive been through hell. Therapy will help you identify the issues underlying the lack of sex, teach you how to communicate more effectively, give you strategies for regaining your intimacy if shes willing, and tools for coping if shes not, and offer you the boost you need to work on your relationship. Due to major health issues and aging, we just quit altogether. Flirting in public! Its a bummer most times. Men are not brain dead. I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss. You are so right. A lack of communication may have led to years of unsatisfying sex, and the longer youre together, the more nervous she may be to bring it up. You can set things right on this front by planning special dates and mini-vacations so that you can both focus on each other and your relationship without worrying about work, finances, kids and other things. However, if the unfortunate situation arises where your wife never initiates physical contact because shes having an affair, you need to deal with it gently. . He was several yrs younger than me, Ive Never been married & Ive had a half dozen BFs or so. We are both active and healthy. In other cases, when the in-laws are constantly meddling the resentment may make it seem like you have an unloving wife but shes actually just frustrated at the lack of privacy, says Gopa. Prostitutes are not a good option since all the bad stuff in the sex industry world and I feel that I am too old to move on and I am not a chick magnet. She has rejected counseling and even criticizes my masterbation or porn. If theres no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and youve realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobologys panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. Better than NO sex of any sort for 10+ years, and being rediculed for masturbating. Help out around the house and stop making your wife do everything. Good luck. If sex is becoming harder, less pleasurable, or more painful to have, it makes sense that a woman may lose interest in having it at all. Harley and Mike, I have a loving wife but her sex drive is down to ziltch. The distance could be herway of punishing you and teaching you a lesson. She has just lost interest. he will not give me a divorce so yes take a lover if you need too cause feeling wanted, desired, and loved, is like food we all need it and deserve it! Some women do not compartmentalize their emotions the way some men do, and thus may be more easily preoccupied during sex. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she's failing at this parenting thing. Take care of yourself. It is indeed like forcing down a tasteless meal for someone elses sake. Ive tried suggesting a date, but its hard to find something she wants to do or doesnt cost too much. Now that you know that this could also be the reason why your wife avoids physical contact, you need to be her rock and convince her that you still think shes as beautiful as the day when you first met her. Yow..I am a 32 year sober alcoholic and thought I had a slight case of ED..but the mens clinics determined thats not the case..its the flat and lifeless attitude I am getting from my wife that kind of keeps things limp. For example, nonsexual touching, which includes kissing, cuddling, and hand-holding, can make people feel . And I still dont even know why! Sounds like you should try therapy. The only difference is that if we separate I will not have the van!! This was an enlightening comment and reflects what has been my marriage for 35 years. about this, nothing will change. Its worth discussing with your doctor. Just shows how woman dont know anything about other women. What do you think a man can do and should do in these cases ??? Its maddening! She says that its up to me to deal with it however I choose. U have no choice but to leave!!! There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. Her 90-year-old mother lives with us, and I love her like my own mom. Im pretty much in the same boat. What to do about it: "You need to take the stress out of sex in three steps: Challenge your expectations, communicate effectively with your partner, and take the pressure off by using new physical experiences," Zimmerman advises. Maybe there are areas of your marriage to be worked on, maybe a little couples' therapy will make a big difference, or maybe it's time to consider whether this marriage is really worth holding on to. And lastly, dont discount masturbation as a solution. I have suffered from sexual dysfunction ever since I started having sex at 15 back in the mid 1970s. Wooing is a life-long endeavor. He is correct, the therapists want you to have hope so they can have the clients, I spent plenty on it and made numerous loving conversations. I hope to eventually meet another same sex partner willing to take her time and see what works. /* It destroyed us and our marriage for all intents and purposes. Ive tried scheduling, bringing in sex toys, texting, dating, hugging and cuddling in bed you name it. This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. I would like to ask her if well ever have a sex life again, but she has a hard time talking about it. Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. High blood pressure Frustrated. Is there anything I can do. For example, depression, as well as the medication used to manage it, can take a toll on ones libido. she tolerates oral sex only minimally due to some sensitivity she can never explain. There are many causes, physical and emotional, why your wife wont have sex with you anymore. My other half sees it as rejection and makes angry threats. I feel I am supportive, helpful, etc but know Im not perfect. Just need the fortitude to go. But men also have 12-15 times more testosterone than women far higher sex drives and are capable of siring hundreds of times more children than women are capable of bearing. He needs to get his hormone levels tested as he is mostly estrogen dominant and low test. Not easy for her to open up and talk about thingsbeen that way all of our married lives..43 plus years. Once you restore an emotional connection, your physical one is sure to follow. I have stayed in the marriage because of my kids and other family issues which go beyond this comment. If I wish to continue my marriage , I guess I should just accept the situation and carry the cross of feeling unsatisfied. "Having small children is a frequent and legitimate excuse for not having sex.". I ask why she said it is just how it is. The only relief that I get from my pain is physical pleasure. He also has an enlarged prostate and his GP said that testosterone therapy could bring on cancer. We did have sex on occasion but we would go months in between, not my idea, finally he stopped and said he had no more interest or ambition to have sex. To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. If your wife never initiates affection, its time to take the pressure off. Since abstinence for so long Im wondering what will happen if a woman takes an interest in a 70-year-old man. Just like mental health, physical well-being is also essential for women to feel sexually charged up. This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. Ive read where most men think the woman should spice up their sex lives to keep the man from cheating and those kind of men are lazy. The sooner you understand what it is youre going through, the quicker youll be able to address it. "Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. I love him and am a bad lier, so using masturbation as a release. One of the scariest reasons your wife wont have sex with you may be that she has feelings or is being intimate with someone else. Bonnie, thank you for commenting. Of course, all this pressure makes it harder for sex to seem to go well.". Share the moments and activities she loves and see how your desirability shoots for the clouds. I get you have energy for everyone but me. I have 2 nephews, age 6 & 7, from my brother 13 years younger than me. Most importantly, talk to her about it! Unfortunately the one thing that was supposed to save civilization was the internet. Too bad; I truly live him but I dont need the stress. Rich B, I am 64 and my wife has withheld sex with me for the the last 5 years. No love no sex. Focusing on her pleasure will make her banish any thought that my wife never wants to have sex.. Research, psychologists, and Google can offer ideas, but only your wife herself can tell you why she doesn't want to have sex with you: Working a full-time job in addition to running household errands and caring for kids can be exhausting and stressful, so some women may simply feel too busy and overworked to have any energy for sex. "Anatomically and physiologically, decreasing estrogen and just plain aging cause potential problems for our libido," Hardwick-Smith writes in her book. Remember its never too late to start. Arthritis: No Cure, But Ways to Ease the Pain. Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable. Its such an insult to your wife when you guys do that and .makes us ashamed of our bodies especially after having your baby we will never get our bodies back the same way it was before we got pregnant and you watching porn with photoshops were women to look at if they really look like that makes us feel you are body shaming us. I was active outside a few times with permission, after 7 years of zero sex, and was not having problems engaging in it, but that had to stop when I tried to help a person I was seeing was caught. From work deadlines to zoom meetings to bosses to deal with, teams to manage, kids to raise, meals to cook, chores to do, errands to run and the billion other things your wife has to handle, she may just be too exhausted to even think about sex. If you must you could think castration out of love. Sucks to be me, right! If your wife never initiates physical contact, it could be that horror of horrors you may be bad in bed. Cater to her needs, indulge in some foreplay, and stop being selfish! Its time to change your strategy. Are you crazy? But wasnt it lovely when we were young and lithe and our bodies would do anything we asked of them? I cant do that, divorce right away. Two lovers need boundaries to choose their path. I dont know why Im still here. Im 65, shes 70. Most of my female friends in their sixties are married to men who just stopped having sex, wanting sex, initiating sex or any kind of intimacy. Hi Mary After menopause she lost interest in sex because of vaginal atrophy. Here after all of this, what I am trying to say Stan, is if you feel as if your wife really and truly does not want to have anything to do with sex, maybe, as with my wife, her spirit has been broken and if that is the case, she very much needs your understanding more than ever before in your marriage. Is this the case with your guy or does he nave no urges at all? People need to be kept warmed up all the time before things can get hot again, they need to feel wanted, appreciated and valued before they actually want sex and are in the mood for sex. Even with all the gadgets and hired help, modern women have a lot on their plate. Loved sexI mean with exuberance and joy. Yeah. Well, I am more than happy to say that our marriage has lasted for over 56 years and I know that we are still together mostly due to the fact that we are best friends. As well as almost no feeling there as well. Indifferent withholders like my wife NEVER get better and their partners either leave or become bitter! Like I have a total stranger as a house guest. I am a little older but want intimacy so bad. Couples can even have a thriving sex life during their 40s, if they wish to do so. I demonstrate my love for her in so many ways, little notes, letters, flowers messages in song, other women including young women I work with say they would love to have someone who loves and respects their partner and relationship like I do. We men are so caught up in our egos . Even without your wife, seeing a therapist will help you learn how to communicate with her, and give you new ways of looking at your marriage and strategies for coping. If divorce is not an option then get involved outside the home. Be explicit about your needs and expectations. Oh stfu. Should a wife forsake any of these advantages for the principle of equality? When we met, it was amazing. Im just not happy & want much more for in life. This went on for years. goodluck! Hello Overit, I have a similar problem but my situation is somewhat different as I am not on a lot of meds, and I am not unhappy with my life as an individual, but with my husband well, yes I kind of am unhappy with that aspect of my life.